The Current Joys Of My life.

I used to linked up to Fave Five Fridays (FFF) but I am not sure that is still true. I was never exactly sure how to use it but if you look for Fave 5 Fridays you will find other blogs that link up to it. It is a real joy to read because the post are all about Praise. It is very uplifting to read the things the bloggers say. There is a link to the main blogger, Suzanne, to the right of my blog. Another Fave 5 Friday blogger is, Barbara, whose blog is Stray Thoughts . I enjoy them both. Even though I may not be signed up with FFF anymore I still like the thought of listing 5 Praises for the week.

Here are my praises:

1. We have had a lot of rain in California this week, but it has been light for the most part. I am so glad it is light and while I can see snow on the mountains to the east of me there has not been much of it in my yard. Tomorrow the rain is supposed to be gone for a few days and only for Wednesday is there a prediction of rain. I had hoped to go on vacation soon but looking over the temperatures for the months of March and April it is still too cold for me to enjoy it as I would if it were a bit warmer. I am postponing my vacation till later in the year.  I want to enjoy the weather as much as the vacation. Why is this a praise?  Well, I have been cozy inside my home looking out to the lovely snow-covered mountains and I am looking forward to my vacation and warmer days, which is always a joy.  

 2. One of my wonderful grands, Titus, came to help me move my furniture around so I could lay down a rug. He also helped me move the garage shelves so I can get out of car easier. My garage is tiny, and I have to arrange it just so or I have little space for getting in and out of my car. Titus is my youngest grand and he will be 15 soon. He has been a special boy to me since the day he was born. Unlike his sister and brother, I didn't get to watch him when he was little. His mother decided she wanted to stay home instead of work until he entered pre-school. A wise decision that I fully supported but I did miss a lot because of it. He and I still have bonded very well, and I love the pudding out of him. I know he loves me also. It is interesting that now that he is older it is harder for me to talk to him. He is no longer that little child who chattered and wanted to play games. He is mature for his age and so finding things to talk about on his current level is hard. I haven't been a teen in many years. But we did fine and I really appreciate his help. Next time we hope to go to a movie. the picture below is Titus when he was 6 years old. He has always been my little cutie.

3. I havent had a couch for almost 5 months. I had bought a nice couch at a yard sale when I first moved into my current home. It was a beautiful couch and I would have loved to reulposter it. The seat was only 17" and on one side the springs had broken down a bit. Also when my baby yorkie mix mut, Ruthie, was new to our family she peed on it several time. ICK! I have looked for a new couch over and over and finally decided on one from Wallmart. It is a tiny bit firmer than I had wanted but the dark green color and wide wale corduroy are exactly what I like. It was not too expensive so if the dogs mess it up I won't be too torn up over it. I have a grey fitted couch cover on it to keep it nice but it is easily taken off for the arrival of guest. I bought a beautiful rug to go with it and curtain. The curtain have arrived but they not up yet. I can't wait to see it all together.

4. I am reading a lot again. I love reading and it something I haven't done a lot of for a while. My favorite author of all time is Jamie Langston Turner. I have read everything she has written. She is a southern, Christian writer and as I read her books I think, "That lady goes to my church, that man is just like one of my neighbors, OH wow she has been reading my mail." While it is hard to pick which book I like best, I think Winter Birds is one of my very favorites. Especially as I age. I relate to it more and more. Jamie is a great story teller. I am in the middle of her latest book right now. It is good. I have also bought a book with a bible study book and it interacts with YouTube videos. So far, it has been very basic but I am glad to be doing it because I like the reminders that basic teaching brings. It is by Francis Chan and really there is nothing basic about the emphisis of his reason for writing this studay. He feels the church does not attend to the relationshiip with the Holy Spirit as we should. I agree. After this study I will be reading John Bevere's Awe of God. He was at my church recently and I was so amazed by his sermon. He has been there many times to preach. I have read a lot of his books and this one, I feel will be one of those books that truly opens up a closer relationship with God.

5. It has been almost 5 years since my wonderful husband went home. I was so broken and fearful for a very long time after his passing. My relationship with God suffered greatly for many reasons. But God! He has been showing me so much lately and answering questions as only He can. I feel safe and secure, and I feel my relationship is growing again and growing beyond what it was with Him before Dan's passing. The vast void left in my husband's absence is being filled as only God can fill it and I am glad to know this loneliness and confusion have turned into comfort, contentment and praise. God is such a wonderful Father and He truly loves the widow.

Moving the clocks forward. It would have been 52 years and my oldest grandson turns 18 tomorrow

I was so excited today when I got up to get ready for my volunteer job. I left the house a few minutes before 6am and it was just getting light outside. I love that it has been gradually getting lighter earlier each morning. Tomorrow it won't be light till just before 7 am. Tonight we "Spring Forward" I do not like changing the time. I wish, especially since we voted to stop this crazy constant change, that our vote would have been taken seriously. I wish they would let us have what we want and stop this crazy time change. Tomorrow would be my 52nd wedding anniversary. I miss my husband so much. He was truly my best friend. While I am much more at peace and I know God has a plan for me, I still long to have a companion. I pray about it often asking God to fill this void the best way for what he has for me. I don't know if that will be a person or the presence of the Holy Spirit in a way don't know now. I would love a Godly, fun man in my life but that may not be what God wants for me. Either way I wait on God to fill this void as only He knows best. Eighteen years ago in 2007, my husband I spent the day in the hospital waiting for our grandson to arrive. He finally came in time for us to still go out for a nice anniversary dinner. Our grandson was the best anniversary present we ever received. He has been a joy and I am so proud of him because he is truly a wonderful person. He is a great water polo athlete and he has a beautiful and smart girlfriend. He has plans for college and while I know he has chosen to be a doctor I forget what kind but I think it has something to do with the brain. He is super smart and I know whatever he puts his hand to he will do a great job. No pictures today because I am on a new computer. I haven't transfered my picture yet. I hope to do that soon. God bless you all and I hope to be on here more often.

Jumping The Gun

I didn't really want to put Christmas on so early but here it is. I am trying to change colors and such on the blog and it is not working so well. I can't seem to find all the places I want to change. It has been two years since I have done much of anything on here. Please bare with me as I re-learn how to navigate doing things on the blog. Speaking of two years passing since I have been on here to write, I was surprised. I am surprised every day that I have made it this long since my husband passed. I am just now beginning to feel as if I am okay. I can do this. I can live, breath, eat, enjoy, and be who I am with out my husband. I know more than ever that I never would have made it three plus years without my savior. He has been with me every moment of every day. The Holy Spirit has helped me to think clearly, to remember things when I need them, and to understand things that normally I would have relied on my husband to read though and then follow through on. I am so grateful for the clarity and comfort God has given me over these past years. So I am going to begin again and try to be back and engaged in writing again. I hope you have a great weekend and a wonderful Thankgiving next week, if you live in the United States. Take care. ~Susan

Friday's Fave Five:

1. I am glad the vet was able to get my puppy, Ruthe, in so quickly to be spayed. Everything went well and she is doing fine. 2. I love the new invention of the donut instead of the, Cone Of Shame. It is so much easier for Ruthie to get around, eat, and see with the donut.

3. I am excited that either tomorrow or next week, I am putting up my Christmas decor. This picture is from 2014. Dan was still with me and He was so great. He would bring all the Christmas boxes in from the garage the week of Thanksgiving. He would also set up our tree. I did it last year for the first time since he went home and it took a long time to put that tree together. Then I had to decorate it. I think tomorrow I will put the tree together and the next day I will bring all the other boxes in and slowly put all the decor up and the ornaments on the tree.

4. I am grateful that I have so many things, not mentioned here, that I am grateful for. I have a wonderful book that I write in most days and I list what I am grateful for that day. Some days there are only about ten things on the page and other days there are over twenty. 5. I am grateful for God's love. There is nothing better than God's love. I never would have made it without Him in my life.

Navigation

 I have not posted since July of 2020.  My life changed drastically after my husband went home to the Lord and I have had a hard time, a good time, a tearful time, and a joyful time in all the months since. God has been with me all the way but I have not always been so good at staying with Him and going to Him.  Still I know he is there and loving me.  These past few months have been hard.  But it hasn't even been two years. I am learning so much and maybe soon I will find myself completely.  I know God has a plan for me.  The following is from my Facebook page.

Navigation:

I want only to hear the Holy Spirit. Please pray that God will give me His advice. Every time I write something about being a WIDOW so many of you tell me it has blessed you in some way. I guess maybe for now it is part of God's plan for me because it helps me to say these things and I guess it truly does bless some of you too. So I will share some things on my heart today with you.

Today has been a hard day in many respects. In fact, though I was not always aware of it, the past two to three months have been hard. Today has been tears. The past few months there have been a lot less tears but a whole lot of manic/depressive days in my attitude. I have gone to church MUCH more. Volunteered at church MUCH more. Craved and gravitated toward people who make me happy and have a way of making me feel normal, MUCH MORE.

I know you are probably thinking that my tears are about missing Dan but they are not. They are tears for me. Tears that come from the pit of my stomach that wonder if I will ever feel normal again? If I will ever act normal again? I do miss Dan. He was my best friend and our life together was so good. But I also miss me. I am having a bit of trouble finding me. I am not all here with out him but yet I should be. He is not my life. Christ is my life.

About a month ago I took my ring off, put it back on then took it off and on a few more times. I did this over and over till I could keep it off. Then I took Dan's ring and put it on my middle right finger, because that is where it fit best. It was not a reminder of Dan but that now Jesus is my husband and He sits at the right hand of God. But I keep losing weight and the ring slips off too easy. I had to take it off too. Maybe I should buy some white Mohair yarn and do what girls did when I was in high school. (Anyone but me remember that?)

For 18 months I have begged your prayers many times with a grateful heart knowing you would pray and also thanked all who spontaneously told me they have been praying without my asking. I have mourned and cried and remembered the man who helped me grow up from a very immature 18 year old into an older woman who was happy to be his helpmate and one with him, seeking God together. I have felt the Lords presence in ways I had no idea possible. But as time has worn on I have begun to wonder what my life is to be now. I feel God has promised me a few things that I shall keep to myself for now. I have a bit of direction but I have also kind of lost my way. I took what I felt God had given me and ran ahead of Him waving it like a banner before my eyes only, not even knowing if my compass was pointing true north. I hope I have heard God correctly.

But in seeking what I think He has said to me I have found that I can't quite find myself. I have no idea who I am now. I was 18 the last time I was navigating life on my own and I was never really on my own. I went straight from my parents to my husband. For nearly 50 years my life was defined by being Dan's helpmate and pleasing him and seeking God together and individually.

In this season I am truly on my own with Jesus. I feel alone. I have a free will and I have never been in this place before. God gave free will to me. But I don't want a free will. Having always lived in the confines of being accountable to another person/s and having always wanted to please those people no matter if I could or not, I now find that I can seek God, and I do want to please Him, but freewill and selfish desires sometimes allow me to second guess what He knows is best for me. At times I allow my self to be confused instead of knowing God has said something to me. I do this out of fear of failure. I hear a voice in my head that tells me "You are not enough without Dan" I don't know who I am. I was so sure before. I was God's daughter given to Dan and together we navigated life seeking God. Good or bad times I knew I was his wife and we had a life together in God. Even when we separated for 7 months I knew I was one with him and we would eventually work it out.

Every fight, every joy, every question, every decision was us together with God. It may not have seemed that way at the time but God had always been there with us and I look back and see it. I truly knew who I was then or so I thought I did. Now I wonder. Did who I was leave with Dan and now I have to be someone new? Okay how? I know that I was one with him and an individual. We both took pride that we were one but also individuals. Individuals especially in God. We knew that one day we would stand before Him on our own and answer all by ourselves.

So where am I with God alone? I guess what I have been finding out is that taking off my ring sort of put a period on my life with Dan in some ways. I had 46+ years with him and God has made it clear that marriage is for the earth. It is a type, or maybe a symbol is a better word for the intimacy we are to have with Him. I have been looking at Song of Solomon from time to time and it is a beautiful account of the love and closeness Jesus wants with us. We are the bride of Christ. Dan is my brother in Christ now and forever will be. There is no marriage in heaven. Taking off my ring helps me to accept that. It was a wonderful ride, those 46+ years and I do not regret one minute of it, except for not learning to trust him quicker and accepting that Dan really did love me. I told him so in the years behind and in the month before he went home.

Before I took off my ring I felt as if I were floating in the ocean on an ice carving of the word WIDOW between The Life I had Before--WIDOW--The Plan God Has For Me. I don't want to be stuck in the past. It was great but I can't live life there. Breaking Free has helped me see just how damaging being stuck in the past is. I also don't want to be labeled a widow forever. I still hear it in peoples voices a lot and it makes me think of a person's head cocked to one side, a sad look on their face and sing song voice saying "Oh it's THE widow." Yes I am a widow but I am trying desperately to put those wonderful 46 years in their place, and lasso the Plan God has for me so I can pull it close and jump off this carved ice block word, WIDOW. I know that plan of God must have a Cape and a G-Code tee shirt printed with the words "Call Me Anna" (Luke 2).

Some days I feel like that 18 year old girl (a lot of days lately) who was eager and young and had any possibility ahead of her she wanted to choose. But she didn't know how to live for God so all her thoughts are carnal. Other days I feel like a widow in the first weeks. "Where is my arm?" I want to scream. I feel so incomplete without Dan. Other days I am just angry. It took me a while to get here to anger even though God has been telling me for months to be angry. He knew I was angry and that my anger was for HIM. He told me so on the freeway one morning and told me how I had been so passively aggressively taking it out on Him. But He is a gentle and loving God and is gently walking me through this very intense anger.

So yes I have had a lot of tears today hoping that I am able to find out who I am alone with Christ, hoping that I don't feel this knot of loneliness in the pit of my stomach forever, hoping that I not only hear God but do what He wants and not push it away out of fear and anger of doing or being alone forever. I tell so many people that if God brings you to it He will bring you through it. "Are you listening Susan?" How can I be so sure and have so much faith for others and wonder for myself? I don't know but I do know God has never failed me yet and when I choose to let Him guide me and walk me through stuff I am better for it and I actually find Him and me in the same place. So, Yes I am listening over the sobs of my heart, I am listening over the voice that tells me I will never be enough without Dan, and I am listening over my fear of failure. Pretty soon I will learn how to throw this lasso and grab on to the plan God has for me. That is one good thing about me, I never give up even if I go in the wrong direction for awhile. Nothing, not even learning to be who I am suppose to be in Christ without Dan is beyond the ken of my ability to grasp it. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He is helping me to get the job done when I can't do it. He is my ability to do what is required of me. I can't see it now but I will. Maybe it is too soon but I have not heard God say for a while "grieve daughter". Probably because He has been addressing the anger and my manic emotions lately. But He has never failed me yet and I know even this will change and change me into what He wants for me. WOW! I can't even explain how cathartic this has been to write.

Praise God in the Storm and Count Trials as Joy

It is Fave Five Friday and I have so much to be thankful for in my storm and five is not a big enough number.  I wrote this the week after my husband went home to be with the lord.  I never published it so today I decided to put it on and update it for today. 

My husband of 47 years died this past April and the outpouring of love on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter has been overwhelming. Also in person and at my church.  My family and friends have keep me blessed all these months.  God's love has shown from every one to me and my family. 

1-5 (million) praises:

He rescued me from an abusive household at the age of 18 years.

He stuck with me and my boatloads of baggage and he loved me till the day he died.

He raised two wonderful son's with me and I see all of his amazing great qualities in them.

He was one of those people who could fix anything and he did.  He amazed me, our family and our friends with his mind and abilities.

He also could build anything. The pantry in my kitchen was made by him.

He was a loving, caring father and Husband and friend.

He was a great man of God. His Memorial can be seen by clicking here  I have been told it was unlike any other Memorial anyone has been to and that it was like a lesson.  Seeing his live has made them want to live their life better.  God is good is all I can say.  I hope it will bless your life if you watch as well.

A Life Well Lived.

One of my last pictures of my husband.  We took this in the car on the way to a "Walmart date" in the last month during the isolation.  On Tuesday past, he probably had a heart attack and he is with our Lord and Savior now.  The outpouring of love and blessing has been amazing and I have learned so many wonderful things about my beloved husband.  I miss him so and I know he is in my future where we will praise our God together with the multitude.