Jumping The Gun

I didn't really want to put Christmas on so early but here it is. I am trying to change colors and such on the blog and it is not working so well. I can't seem to find all the places I want to change. It has been two years since I have done much of anything on here. Please bare with me as I re-learn how to navigate doing things on the blog. Speaking of two years passing since I have been on here to write, I was surprised. I am surprised every day that I have made it this long since my husband passed. I am just now beginning to feel as if I am okay. I can do this. I can live, breath, eat, enjoy, and be who I am with out my husband. I know more than ever that I never would have made it three plus years without my savior. He has been with me every moment of every day. The Holy Spirit has helped me to think clearly, to remember things when I need them, and to understand things that normally I would have relied on my husband to read though and then follow through on. I am so grateful for the clarity and comfort God has given me over these past years. So I am going to begin again and try to be back and engaged in writing again. I hope you have a great weekend and a wonderful Thankgiving next week, if you live in the United States. Take care. ~Susan

Friday's Fave Five:

1. I am glad the vet was able to get my puppy, Ruthe, in so quickly to be spayed. Everything went well and she is doing fine. 2. I love the new invention of the donut instead of the, Cone Of Shame. It is so much easier for Ruthie to get around, eat, and see with the donut.

3. I am excited that either tomorrow or next week, I am putting up my Christmas decor. This picture is from 2014. Dan was still with me and He was so great. He would bring all the Christmas boxes in from the garage the week of Thanksgiving. He would also set up our tree. I did it last year for the first time since he went home and it took a long time to put that tree together. Then I had to decorate it. I think tomorrow I will put the tree together and the next day I will bring all the other boxes in and slowly put all the decor up and the ornaments on the tree.

4. I am grateful that I have so many things, not mentioned here, that I am grateful for. I have a wonderful book that I write in most days and I list what I am grateful for that day. Some days there are only about ten things on the page and other days there are over twenty. 5. I am grateful for God's love. There is nothing better than God's love. I never would have made it without Him in my life.

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 I have not posted since July of 2020.  My life changed drastically after my husband went home to the Lord and I have had a hard time, a good time, a tearful time, and a joyful time in all the months since. God has been with me all the way but I have not always been so good at staying with Him and going to Him.  Still I know he is there and loving me.  These past few months have been hard.  But it hasn't even been two years. I am learning so much and maybe soon I will find myself completely.  I know God has a plan for me.  The following is from my Facebook page.

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I want only to hear the Holy Spirit. Please pray that God will give me His advice. Every time I write something about being a WIDOW so many of you tell me it has blessed you in some way. I guess maybe for now it is part of God's plan for me because it helps me to say these things and I guess it truly does bless some of you too. So I will share some things on my heart today with you.

Today has been a hard day in many respects. In fact, though I was not always aware of it, the past two to three months have been hard. Today has been tears. The past few months there have been a lot less tears but a whole lot of manic/depressive days in my attitude. I have gone to church MUCH more. Volunteered at church MUCH more. Craved and gravitated toward people who make me happy and have a way of making me feel normal, MUCH MORE.

I know you are probably thinking that my tears are about missing Dan but they are not. They are tears for me. Tears that come from the pit of my stomach that wonder if I will ever feel normal again? If I will ever act normal again? I do miss Dan. He was my best friend and our life together was so good. But I also miss me. I am having a bit of trouble finding me. I am not all here with out him but yet I should be. He is not my life. Christ is my life.

About a month ago I took my ring off, put it back on then took it off and on a few more times. I did this over and over till I could keep it off. Then I took Dan's ring and put it on my middle right finger, because that is where it fit best. It was not a reminder of Dan but that now Jesus is my husband and He sits at the right hand of God. But I keep losing weight and the ring slips off too easy. I had to take it off too. Maybe I should buy some white Mohair yarn and do what girls did when I was in high school. (Anyone but me remember that?)

For 18 months I have begged your prayers many times with a grateful heart knowing you would pray and also thanked all who spontaneously told me they have been praying without my asking. I have mourned and cried and remembered the man who helped me grow up from a very immature 18 year old into an older woman who was happy to be his helpmate and one with him, seeking God together. I have felt the Lords presence in ways I had no idea possible. But as time has worn on I have begun to wonder what my life is to be now. I feel God has promised me a few things that I shall keep to myself for now. I have a bit of direction but I have also kind of lost my way. I took what I felt God had given me and ran ahead of Him waving it like a banner before my eyes only, not even knowing if my compass was pointing true north. I hope I have heard God correctly.

But in seeking what I think He has said to me I have found that I can't quite find myself. I have no idea who I am now. I was 18 the last time I was navigating life on my own and I was never really on my own. I went straight from my parents to my husband. For nearly 50 years my life was defined by being Dan's helpmate and pleasing him and seeking God together and individually.

In this season I am truly on my own with Jesus. I feel alone. I have a free will and I have never been in this place before. God gave free will to me. But I don't want a free will. Having always lived in the confines of being accountable to another person/s and having always wanted to please those people no matter if I could or not, I now find that I can seek God, and I do want to please Him, but freewill and selfish desires sometimes allow me to second guess what He knows is best for me. At times I allow my self to be confused instead of knowing God has said something to me. I do this out of fear of failure. I hear a voice in my head that tells me "You are not enough without Dan" I don't know who I am. I was so sure before. I was God's daughter given to Dan and together we navigated life seeking God. Good or bad times I knew I was his wife and we had a life together in God. Even when we separated for 7 months I knew I was one with him and we would eventually work it out.

Every fight, every joy, every question, every decision was us together with God. It may not have seemed that way at the time but God had always been there with us and I look back and see it. I truly knew who I was then or so I thought I did. Now I wonder. Did who I was leave with Dan and now I have to be someone new? Okay how? I know that I was one with him and an individual. We both took pride that we were one but also individuals. Individuals especially in God. We knew that one day we would stand before Him on our own and answer all by ourselves.

So where am I with God alone? I guess what I have been finding out is that taking off my ring sort of put a period on my life with Dan in some ways. I had 46+ years with him and God has made it clear that marriage is for the earth. It is a type, or maybe a symbol is a better word for the intimacy we are to have with Him. I have been looking at Song of Solomon from time to time and it is a beautiful account of the love and closeness Jesus wants with us. We are the bride of Christ. Dan is my brother in Christ now and forever will be. There is no marriage in heaven. Taking off my ring helps me to accept that. It was a wonderful ride, those 46+ years and I do not regret one minute of it, except for not learning to trust him quicker and accepting that Dan really did love me. I told him so in the years behind and in the month before he went home.

Before I took off my ring I felt as if I were floating in the ocean on an ice carving of the word WIDOW between The Life I had Before--WIDOW--The Plan God Has For Me. I don't want to be stuck in the past. It was great but I can't live life there. Breaking Free has helped me see just how damaging being stuck in the past is. I also don't want to be labeled a widow forever. I still hear it in peoples voices a lot and it makes me think of a person's head cocked to one side, a sad look on their face and sing song voice saying "Oh it's THE widow." Yes I am a widow but I am trying desperately to put those wonderful 46 years in their place, and lasso the Plan God has for me so I can pull it close and jump off this carved ice block word, WIDOW. I know that plan of God must have a Cape and a G-Code tee shirt printed with the words "Call Me Anna" (Luke 2).

Some days I feel like that 18 year old girl (a lot of days lately) who was eager and young and had any possibility ahead of her she wanted to choose. But she didn't know how to live for God so all her thoughts are carnal. Other days I feel like a widow in the first weeks. "Where is my arm?" I want to scream. I feel so incomplete without Dan. Other days I am just angry. It took me a while to get here to anger even though God has been telling me for months to be angry. He knew I was angry and that my anger was for HIM. He told me so on the freeway one morning and told me how I had been so passively aggressively taking it out on Him. But He is a gentle and loving God and is gently walking me through this very intense anger.

So yes I have had a lot of tears today hoping that I am able to find out who I am alone with Christ, hoping that I don't feel this knot of loneliness in the pit of my stomach forever, hoping that I not only hear God but do what He wants and not push it away out of fear and anger of doing or being alone forever. I tell so many people that if God brings you to it He will bring you through it. "Are you listening Susan?" How can I be so sure and have so much faith for others and wonder for myself? I don't know but I do know God has never failed me yet and when I choose to let Him guide me and walk me through stuff I am better for it and I actually find Him and me in the same place. So, Yes I am listening over the sobs of my heart, I am listening over the voice that tells me I will never be enough without Dan, and I am listening over my fear of failure. Pretty soon I will learn how to throw this lasso and grab on to the plan God has for me. That is one good thing about me, I never give up even if I go in the wrong direction for awhile. Nothing, not even learning to be who I am suppose to be in Christ without Dan is beyond the ken of my ability to grasp it. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He is helping me to get the job done when I can't do it. He is my ability to do what is required of me. I can't see it now but I will. Maybe it is too soon but I have not heard God say for a while "grieve daughter". Probably because He has been addressing the anger and my manic emotions lately. But He has never failed me yet and I know even this will change and change me into what He wants for me. WOW! I can't even explain how cathartic this has been to write.

Praise God in the Storm and Count Trials as Joy

It is Fave Five Friday and I have so much to be thankful for in my storm and five is not a big enough number.  I wrote this the week after my husband went home to be with the lord.  I never published it so today I decided to put it on and update it for today. 

My husband of 47 years died this past April and the outpouring of love on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter has been overwhelming. Also in person and at my church.  My family and friends have keep me blessed all these months.  God's love has shown from every one to me and my family. 

1-5 (million) praises:

He rescued me from an abusive household at the age of 18 years.

He stuck with me and my boatloads of baggage and he loved me till the day he died.

He raised two wonderful son's with me and I see all of his amazing great qualities in them.

He was one of those people who could fix anything and he did.  He amazed me, our family and our friends with his mind and abilities.

He also could build anything. The pantry in my kitchen was made by him.

He was a loving, caring father and Husband and friend.

He was a great man of God. His Memorial can be seen by clicking here  I have been told it was unlike any other Memorial anyone has been to and that it was like a lesson.  Seeing his live has made them want to live their life better.  God is good is all I can say.  I hope it will bless your life if you watch as well.

A Life Well Lived.

One of my last pictures of my husband.  We took this in the car on the way to a "Walmart date" in the last month during the isolation.  On Tuesday past, he probably had a heart attack and he is with our Lord and Savior now.  The outpouring of love and blessing has been amazing and I have learned so many wonderful things about my beloved husband.  I miss him so and I know he is in my future where we will praise our God together with the multitude. 

Fridays Fave Five

I am so thrown off with the weeks of isolation that I keep forgetting to post.  But I am

1. Thankful for FFF because it makes me look at the good of each week.  Praise God He is so faithful that I truly have more than 5 things each week to be thankful for.

2. I am enjoying this time with my Husband.  At first I was kind of upset that our 46th wedding anniversary stay-cation had been stopped with this isolation.  But it has been so wonderful to be stuck in the house with my sweetie.  He walks 6 miles a day when he can, so I made him a mask.

3. I went on a date with my sweetie to WalMart.  No one can go in without a mask.

4. My oldest son who had the brain injury in December, bought a house and they have moved.  He needed help with cleaning and I went over to help.  We know we don't have the virus and they think they had it late last year when they were soooooo sick and I don't know if I have had it but I have lots of faith I won't get it.  So here is our no mask picture after cleaning out the rental they moved out of.  My son and my grandson...So handsome.

5.  Zoom is an amazing tool.  I got to zoom with my younger son and his family this week and say with my own voice Happy Birthday and look him in the eye at the same time.  I have had fellowship with two of my best friends this week and church meetings too.  It has been amazing seeing the person I am talking to.  Tomorrow I get to have another zoom meeting one with a ministry group I am involved in.  I can't wait.

There is so much more I could list here but there is just one additional bonus Fave I want to highlight.  I have had the blessing of calling a portion of our churches data base address book and 99 percent of those I called are doing fantastic.  I hope that is a comparable  percentage of the world too.  None had the virus but a few were scared of it.  I was honored and blessed to pray with them.

I hope your Good Friday and Easter is wonderful and if your Church is not on line please attend Good Friday and Easter services with the wonderful church I attend.  Go to rockchurch.com scroll down a bit and you can see when the services are and how long till the live viewing.

God bless you all as we remember what our Savior did for us.

Time To Sew

I have been doing some sewing since the quarantine. More so I have been watching YouTube videos of my favorite tutorials.  One thing that I have always wanted to make was a pressing board.

As you can see I finally made one.  I used two layers of batting and a vintage sheet.  Today I reworked an old table cloth I had made for a farm table I had years ago.  The table cloth was too big for the table I have now so I shortened it.  After the alteration I pressed it on this and It was so easy to use.  I know unless I am ironing my husbands shirts I will be using this pressing table for most of my ironing needs. I wish I had made this years ago. 

Sunday Scripture

2 Chronicles 7:14 Living Bible (TLB)

14 then if my people will humble themselves and pray, and search for me, and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear them from heaven and forgive their sins and heal their land.

 I know this scripture is used a lot and it is hard, sometimes, to find meaning in something that has been used over and over.  But it is a timely verse for this season.  Click the link in the post before this one and hear a message that calls you to pray.  

Incense

Don't miss a moment.

A call to pray and to believe that God is going to end this isolation and disease. Click here to hear this message.

Friday's Fave Five

 https://susannesspace.blogspot.com/  Click this link to see the host and others who participate in Friday's Fave Five. 

This picture is of my dear friend Lucy who went to be with the Lord just a few days after Christmas.  In fact just a minute after learning my son was being air lifted to Loma Linda Hospital I received a call from one of the Reverends at our church telling me she has died.  

Why such a sad memory on a day when I am to tell my Fave Fives of the week?

1. Friends.  I love my friends (sisters in Jesus) so much and have a wonderful week of zoom meetings where I have had the blessing of talking to many of them.  I have had text messages, phone calls, and chats on Face Book.  The best thing is that we talk of Jesus and how present He has been in our lives during this time.  Lucy was a wonderful sister in the Lord and I thought of her a bit this week.  I talked with her daughter by text and we cried together.  I am glad she is not her for this.  I know she would be worried for her family as they have jobs in hospitals and in public.  Her husband had died earlier in the year and she was missing him so much.  No she is with Jesus where we all want to be and I am happy for no matter how much I mess her.

2. Technology.  Praise God for the knowledge that he gave those who invented it. 

3. God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit.  God has been so present with me and I am grateful for His love, comfort, and provision.

4.  Again God.  Everything that is being horded I already had in my home before all this started because I buy enough so that I don't have to go to the store for much more than milk and bread for months on end. 

5.  Health.  I was ill a few weeks ago and I still have a dry cough but I am well and enjoying my life even if I am a bit stir crazy for a few moments especially when I miss my family. 

Bonus:  My sister who I have not talked with in a very long time called me this week and we had a wonderful chat.  She and all her family are well.  I love her so much.  I was so thrilled to hear from her.

I pray you all are doing well and having wonderful times with the Lord and with what family you can be around.  Be safe and well.  God bless you all.

Sunday Scripture

159 

Consider how I love Your precepts; Revive me, O Lord, according to Your loving kindness. The entirety of Your word is truth, And every one of Your righteous  judgments endures forever.

Psalm 119:159-160

I came across this verse in my personal time with God this week.  I had to study the word Precepts, not because I didn't understand it but because I wanted to know it better. Often when I am reading I see in God's word how He asks us to do things but He is the one who provides the understanding, the strength and the way to do what He asks. 

If I were to put this verse into my own words I would say "Lord I love how you show me how to understand your ways with your mind set. You give me life because of your loving kindness and everything about You is right and will last forever." 

It is a wonderful verse and if you meditate on it I think it will bring you wisdom and joy, as God's word so often does. God bless have a great week. 

Fave Five Friday's

It is Friday again and time for friday's fave five.

1. One of my best and most blessed friend's and I started doing an online devotion on The Bible App.  I am so enjoying the interaction and the spiritual stimulation in the word that it is bringing daily.

2. Both my husband and I, and our blood and church family are well.  I do have a good friend in Pennsylvania, who's brother, a Pastor, is sick with the Corona Virus.  Please keep Chris in your prayers.

3.  The sun has been out the past few days.

4.  I am saved.  God is my savior.  I just have to Praise Him for that now and again.

5.  Ps. 23:1 The Lord is my Shepard, I have all that I need.  This is so true.  I have not felt lack in anything since all this mess with the virus has started.  God is so good and he is always there for those who love Him and live life for Him.

God is so amazing.  If you don't know Him, know this:  You can.  If you go to THIS
 and you can learn how to know Him.

I hope you all are well and feeling loved.  If you have a prayer request please feel free to post it here.  I will go to my knees on your behalf.

Ephesians 6:23-24 Peace to the brethren, and love with faith, from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.  Grace be with all those who love our Lord Jesus Christ in sincerity. Amen.

PS.  If you look at my list of books and Authors you will see I have added a book.  I don't know what I was thinking by not putting it there before. My son wrote a book several years ago for his children and published it.  It is Sarah's Silly Sock Day.  It would go great is someone's Easter basket.  Just saying. 

Sunday Scripture

This scripture is how I feel about my salvation, about answered prayer to hard things, scary things, hurtful things, and this is how I think so many of us will feel when the Corona Virus has finally run it's course and we can all resume our lives.  We will be/ARE thankful that He has saved us in so many ways. 

Psalm 118 15-21

Songs of joy at the news of our rescue are sung in the homes of the godly. The strong arm of the Lord has done glorious things!  I shall not die but live to tell of all his deeds.  The Lord has punished me but not handed me over to death.

Open the gates of the Temple—I will go in and give him my thanks. Those gates are the way into the presence of the Lord, and the godly enter there. O Lord, thank you so much for answering my prayer and saving me.

                                            Dana Point, Ca.