I have not posted since July of 2020. My life changed drastically after my husband went home to the Lord and I have had a hard time, a good time, a tearful time, and a joyful time in all the months since. God has been with me all the way but I have not always been so good at staying with Him and going to Him. Still I know he is there and loving me. These past few months have been hard. But it hasn't even been two years. I am learning so much and maybe soon I will find myself completely. I know God has a plan for me. The following is from my Facebook page.
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I want only to hear the Holy Spirit. Please pray that God will give me His advice. Every time I write something about being a WIDOW so many of you tell me it has blessed you in some way. I guess maybe for now it is part of God's plan for me because it helps me to say these things and I guess it truly does bless some of you too. So I will share some things on my heart today with you.
Today has been a hard day in many respects. In fact, though I was not always aware of it, the past two to three months have been hard. Today has been tears. The past few months there have been a lot less tears but a whole lot of manic/depressive days in my attitude. I have gone to church MUCH more. Volunteered at church MUCH more. Craved and gravitated toward people who make me happy and have a way of making me feel normal, MUCH MORE.
I know you are probably thinking that my tears are about missing Dan but they are not. They are tears for me. Tears that come from the pit of my stomach that wonder if I will ever feel normal again? If I will ever act normal again? I do miss Dan. He was my best friend and our life together was so good. But I also miss me. I am having a bit of trouble finding me. I am not all here with out him but yet I should be. He is not my life. Christ is my life.
About a month ago I took my ring off, put it back on then took it off and on a few more times. I did this over and over till I could keep it off. Then I took Dan's ring and put it on my middle right finger, because that is where it fit best. It was not a reminder of Dan but that now Jesus is my husband and He sits at the right hand of God. But I keep losing weight and the ring slips off too easy. I had to take it off too. Maybe I should buy some white Mohair yarn and do what girls did when I was in high school. (Anyone but me remember that?)
For 18 months I have begged your prayers many times with a grateful heart knowing you would pray and also thanked all who spontaneously told me they have been praying without my asking. I have mourned and cried and remembered the man who helped me grow up from a very immature 18 year old into an older woman who was happy to be his helpmate and one with him, seeking God together. I have felt the Lords presence in ways I had no idea possible. But as time has worn on I have begun to wonder what my life is to be now. I feel God has promised me a few things that I shall keep to myself for now. I have a bit of direction but I have also kind of lost my way. I took what I felt God had given me and ran ahead of Him waving it like a banner before my eyes only, not even knowing if my compass was pointing true north. I hope I have heard God correctly.
But in seeking what I think He has said to me I have found that I can't quite find myself. I have no idea who I am now. I was 18 the last time I was navigating life on my own and I was never really on my own. I went straight from my parents to my husband. For nearly 50 years my life was defined by being Dan's helpmate and pleasing him and seeking God together and individually.
In this season I am truly on my own with Jesus. I feel alone. I have a free will and I have never been in this place before. God gave free will to me. But I don't want a free will. Having always lived in the confines of being accountable to another person/s and having always wanted to please those people no matter if I could or not, I now find that I can seek God, and I do want to please Him, but freewill and selfish desires sometimes allow me to second guess what He knows is best for me. At times I allow my self to be confused instead of knowing God has said something to me. I do this out of fear of failure. I hear a voice in my head that tells me "You are not enough without Dan" I don't know who I am. I was so sure before. I was God's daughter given to Dan and together we navigated life seeking God. Good or bad times I knew I was his wife and we had a life together in God. Even when we separated for 7 months I knew I was one with him and we would eventually work it out.
Every fight, every joy, every question, every decision was us together with God. It may not have seemed that way at the time but God had always been there with us and I look back and see it. I truly knew who I was then or so I thought I did. Now I wonder. Did who I was leave with Dan and now I have to be someone new? Okay how? I know that I was one with him and an individual. We both took pride that we were one but also individuals. Individuals especially in God. We knew that one day we would stand before Him on our own and answer all by ourselves.
So where am I with God alone? I guess what I have been finding out is that taking off my ring sort of put a period on my life with Dan in some ways. I had 46+ years with him and God has made it clear that marriage is for the earth. It is a type, or maybe a symbol is a better word for the intimacy we are to have with Him. I have been looking at Song of Solomon from time to time and it is a beautiful account of the love and closeness Jesus wants with us. We are the bride of Christ. Dan is my brother in Christ now and forever will be. There is no marriage in heaven. Taking off my ring helps me to accept that. It was a wonderful ride, those 46+ years and I do not regret one minute of it, except for not learning to trust him quicker and accepting that Dan really did love me. I told him so in the years behind and in the month before he went home.
Before I took off my ring I felt as if I were floating in the ocean on an ice carving of the word WIDOW between The Life I had Before--WIDOW--The Plan God Has For Me. I don't want to be stuck in the past. It was great but I can't live life there. Breaking Free has helped me see just how damaging being stuck in the past is. I also don't want to be labeled a widow forever. I still hear it in peoples voices a lot and it makes me think of a person's head cocked to one side, a sad look on their face and sing song voice saying "Oh it's THE widow." Yes I am a widow but I am trying desperately to put those wonderful 46 years in their place, and lasso the Plan God has for me so I can pull it close and jump off this carved ice block word, WIDOW. I know that plan of God must have a Cape and a G-Code tee shirt printed with the words "Call Me Anna" (Luke 2).
Some days I feel like that 18 year old girl (a lot of days lately) who was eager and young and had any possibility ahead of her she wanted to choose. But she didn't know how to live for God so all her thoughts are carnal. Other days I feel like a widow in the first weeks. "Where is my arm?" I want to scream. I feel so incomplete without Dan. Other days I am just angry. It took me a while to get here to anger even though God has been telling me for months to be angry. He knew I was angry and that my anger was for HIM. He told me so on the freeway one morning and told me how I had been so passively aggressively taking it out on Him. But He is a gentle and loving God and is gently walking me through this very intense anger.
So yes I have had a lot of tears today hoping that I am able to find out who I am alone with Christ, hoping that I don't feel this knot of loneliness in the pit of my stomach forever, hoping that I not only hear God but do what He wants and not push it away out of fear and anger of doing or being alone forever. I tell so many people that if God brings you to it He will bring you through it. "Are you listening Susan?" How can I be so sure and have so much faith for others and wonder for myself? I don't know but I do know God has never failed me yet and when I choose to let Him guide me and walk me through stuff I am better for it and I actually find Him and me in the same place. So, Yes I am listening over the sobs of my heart, I am listening over the voice that tells me I will never be enough without Dan, and I am listening over my fear of failure. Pretty soon I will learn how to throw this lasso and grab on to the plan God has for me. That is one good thing about me, I never give up even if I go in the wrong direction for awhile. Nothing, not even learning to be who I am suppose to be in Christ without Dan is beyond the ken of my ability to grasp it. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He is helping me to get the job done when I can't do it. He is my ability to do what is required of me. I can't see it now but I will. Maybe it is too soon but I have not heard God say for a while "grieve daughter". Probably because He has been addressing the anger and my manic emotions lately. But He has never failed me yet and I know even this will change and change me into what He wants for me. WOW! I can't even explain how cathartic this has been to write.
